


The Stall

by DeadTrashInc



Category: The 100, The 100 (TV), clarke/lexa - Fandom, clexa - Fandom
Genre: Clexa, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-29
Updated: 2017-01-26
Packaged: 2018-07-11 00:49:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7017484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeadTrashInc/pseuds/DeadTrashInc
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>-“You wanna ride together today?”<br/>Lexa turned at the question. Anya stood outside the stall, hands resting on the door. Unlike Clarke she actually gave Lexa a smile.<br/>“Sure” Lexa said as she forced a smile on her lips herself.<br/>“Great” Anya chuckled as Lexa’s eyes drifted over to the empty stall where Clarke had been moments ago.<br/>Anya followed her eyes and sighed as she turned back to Lexa.<br/>“You gotta let it go, Lex” she said as she looked into her eyes.<br/>“You gotta let her go”-</p>
<p>The one where Lexa fucked it all up. Also the one with a stable.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It feels like someone hit the air out of her lungs every time she laid eyes upon her. Blonde locks falling down her front, eyes as blue as she has ever seen and a smile that haunts you for days. Every time she sees her she thinks back to when those perfect lips smiled at her, _with_ her, and she feels this sadness fall over her. A sadness she can’t control. A sadness that is determined to ruin her.

Clarke turned around and looked at her. Lexa was standing in the opening of the stable; staring at Clarke, and she could feel how Clarke stared back at her. There was a time where they would have run towards each other and hugged as long and as tightly as they could, but that time was far in their past. Now there was only hurt between them.

Clarke looked away and resumed mucking out the stall.

Lexa was left standing with this feeling of sadness that found it’s way deep into her bones. Watching as the other girl moved inside the stall before getting her feet to move again. She walked down the hall of the stable to fetch a wheelbarrow.

She made her way to her stall and started mucking. Each time the shavings fork went into the shavings she let out a tired breath. She was so tired of all of it. Having to see Clarke every day. Having to look at her and have this sadness seep into her. Having to look at her without knowing how she could make everything okay again. But this was her life now. A life that didn’t include Clarke. But it wasn’t a life Lexa thought was worth living. Not if she never got to see Clarke smile again.

Sure, she had _seen_ her smile, but every time she saw Lexa or felt her nearby; she would loose that smile instantly. Lexa wondered if she felt this sadness as well.

“You wanna ride together today?”

Lexa turned at the question. Anya stood outside the stall, hands resting on the door. Unlike Clarke she actually gave Lexa a smile.

“Sure” Lexa said as she forced a smile on her lips herself.

“Great” Anya chuckled as Lexa’s eyes drifted over to the empty stall where Clarke had been moments ago.

Anya followed her eyes and sighed as she turned back to Lexa.

“You gotta let it go, Lex” she said as she looked into her eyes.

“You gotta let _her_ go”

Lexa turned her attention back to the task at hand. Mucking out the rest of the stall.

The sadness still lingered inside her, draining her of willpower and what felt like life.

“ _I know_ ” she whispered after a while.

 

* * *

 

 

_”I dare you” he smirked, and Clarke looked down at Lexa. Her eyes filled with determination. Her lips grinning as she inched closer to Lexa, and Lexa sat there. Stiff and unable to move. Unable to do anything really. The only thing she could do was to just sit there and wait. She couldn’t think. She felt as if everything stopped. Time and the party around them stood still as their lips met._

  

* * *

 

 

Lexa dropped her keys into the bowl on the kitchen counter when she got home in her apartment. The day had been exhausting. But then again; every day was. Ever since that party things had been exhausting. She and Clarke had been exhausting. She thought back to the moment that their lips had met at that party. She did that often.

Thought about how Clarke had all the control over her.

She thought about how soft her lips were, and how perfectly they moved together.

She thought about how the kiss had gotten heated, but still so careful.

She thought about a lot of things in the evenings, and every thought was about Clarke. How she had loved her. How she had lost her. How she had fucked everything up so royally bad.

“Hey, Toto” Lexa smiled as she sat down in the couch beside her dog.

“How was your day?” she asked as she turned on the TV.

The only response she got was a slight wag of his tail.

“That bad, huh?” she chuckled and turned to look at him.

She brought one hand to his head and started rubbing it.

“ _I can promise you that may day was much, much worse_ ” she whispered as she picked Toto up and put him on her lap.

But then again; every day was the worst day for Lexa, ‘cause every goddamn day she had to look at Clarke. She had to be near Clarke. Even though she could feel the hatred from miles away it always took her by surprise. The way that Clarke looked at her. Like she had taken her heart in her hands and driven it through a meat grinder. And metaphorically; it was pretty accurate. She had destroyed her. Because she was too much of an over thinker and too much of a coward to realize what was going on.

“ _But you’ll never leave me, right?_ ” she whispered to the dog.

The dog’s response was to jump off her lap and lay back down beside her.

“ _I know, I would have left me too_ ” she whispered to herself as she stood up and started walking up the stairs to her bedroom.

 

* * *

 

 

_“Have you two ever kissed before?” Finn smiled and Lexa laughed nervously._

_“No” Clarke chuckled as she shook her head at the question._

_“Where did that come from” she asked as she looked at Finn._

_“I dunno, you’re so close and you looked so comfortable, so I just guessed”_

_“I dare you” he suddenly said._

_“What?” Clarke smiled._

_“To kiss Lexa” Finn said, gesturing towards Lexa as she felt her cheeks flush red._

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa opened her eyes. Even behind her eyelids her brain replayed that dreadful day. She couldn’t find peace anywhere, but why should she? When she had ruined everything. Ruined two lives with just a few words.

Lexa turned to her side, imagining that Clarke was beside her. It seemed so real that she could almost see the sapphires in her eyes and she smiled. Her body was filled with a warmth she hadn’t felt in a long time.

“ _Hey_ ” she whispered into the dark and she could see the ghost of Clarke mouth a _hello_ back to her.

This was the only way she knew that she could make it all go away. All the bad and the fucked up shit she had caused them. This was the way she could feel happy again, even if it is just for a moment.

And the moment disappeared when the ghost she had summoned in her head dispersed into the darkness of her bedroom.

Lexa sighed.

“ _If I could take it all back, I would_ ” she whispered before sighing again.

But she couldn’t. She couldn’t take it back, nor could she go back in time and do it all over again.

Her eyes drifted closed, replaying the party in her head until she fell asleep. It was always the same self torture when she went to bed.

Always.

 

* * *

 

 

_“Fuck” Clarke whispered and the warm breath that hit Lexa’s mouth made her release a sound from deep in her throat._

_Lexa leaned in and got rid of the space between them. She waited for Clarke to part her lips, and when she did Lexa bit down on her lower lip. Clarke gasped a little at the sensation and Lexa let go and pushed their lips together again. The kiss was heated. It felt as if there were years of tension in it, and there was. Lexa had been crushing on Clarke for five years, always too much of a coward to tell her._

_Lexa freed her hands and pulled at the hem of Clarke’s blouse. She pulled back from the kiss to look at Clarke as she nodded, and Lexa started to unbutton the blouse as Clarke leaned in for another kiss. Lexa tried to unbutton all the buttons, she really did, but at one point the alcohol took over and she just ripped it open._

 

* * *

 

 

There she was again. Standing in the opening of the stable, staring at the sapphires that looked at Anya. Gazing upon the lips that smiled and laughed at something Anya said to her. Watching as her face got filled with… _Sadness_ as she noticed Lexa.

Clarke said something to Anya and turned quickly, paying attention to how her horse started to gnaw at the chains. Busying herself with getting the Arabian to stop gnawing.

Lexa’s feet started moving without her giving them permission to. Anya looked at her with a look that said ‘ _don’t_ ’. Lexa threw the look back at her before she could think about what she was doing.

Suddenly she was standing right behind Clarke. She could hear how Clarke’s breath was uneven. She could see how she held her hand just above the swell of her breast. She could feel the sadness intensifying inside her bones.

“ _Clarke_ ”

She could see how her body stiffened as Lexa had pleaded out her name. She could feel the hand pushing her away as Clarke started to run out of the opening, out into the open space. She stopped out there, tried to catch her breath. Lexa thought she saw Clarke falling to pieces.

“Clarke” she said again a little louder and the other girl resumed her flight into the woods behind the stables.

_Clarke_ , Lexa thought as she was left standing with the sadness.

Her sadness.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa and Clarke talk for the first time in a long time 
> 
> Also; the reason I jump back all the time is because Lexa is always thinking about what happened, and what she should have done better

Anya had taken Abaccus, the Arabian horse, back into the paddock as Lexa had sighed and started on her daily chores in the stable. She knew better than to run after Clarke, that would only encourage the wind blowing her into the woods.

Anya had taken the task of finding her and bringing her back to the stable, but when Lexa looked over the door to the stall; she only saw Anya coming back.

Lexa couldn’t hide the look of disappointment when she didn’t see Clarke anywhere, and Anya noticed that. Her eyes softened a bit as she walked towards Lexa.

“She just needed some space. She asked me to finish up the work for Abaccus” she sighed as she put a comforting arm around Lexa’s shoulders.

Lexa buried herself in Anya’s chest, relaxing, as she let out a couple of deep breaths.

“ _I don’t know why I did it_ ” she whispered against Anya’s sweater.

Anya started to stroke Lexa’s back as she leaned her chin down to rest on her head.

“I know, Lex. She’s just not ready to talk yet” Anya sighed and brought her other arm around Lexa as well, capturing her in what was probably supposed to be a comforting embrace.

Lexa pushed herself out.

“God, I didn’t mean today” she cried.

“ _I meant what I did two years ago_ ” she whispered as a tear fell down her cheeks.

 

* * *

 

 

_Lexa: Hey, wanna come to a party with me at O’s tonight?_

_Clarke: Sure thing, pick me up at eight?_

_Lexa: I won’t be picking you up_

_Lexa: I will swipe you right off your feet_

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa didn’t even bother to sit down on the couch and turn on the TV when she got home. She didn’t even bother to make herself dinner, she just fed Toto and went upstairs and threw herself onto the bed. Her face was planted firmly in the duvet and her arms embracing one pillow.

How could she have fucked it up this bad? How could she make Clarke hate her for two full years now? How could she have been so cruel to say those words to Clarke back then?

She knew why. Because she was scared. She was scared that this would happen, but she didn’t think she would be the reason it did. She didn’t think that when she tried to _protect them_ she would fuck it up like this.

“Shit” she muffled into the duvet.

“Shit, shit, shit”

She hated herself for doing it. She hated herself every second of every day that passed, and she was sure the world hated her too.

“ _Fuck_ ” she cried into the duvet.

 

* * *

 

 

_Lexa leaned back and laughed while looking into Clarke’s eyes. She pecked her lips before picking up the discarded clothes and handing them to Clarke._

_“Here you go” she smiled as she turned around._

_“What, you just kissed my breast, and now you can’t look at me?” Clarke joked._

_“No matter what I’ve done; I’m still a gentleman” Lexa laughed while Clarke put her clothes back on._

_“All done” Clarke said as she pressed a kiss to the crook of Lexa’s neck._

_“You’re drunk” Lexa chuckled, and Clarke hummed against her skin._

_“That I am”_

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa woke up in the middle of the night. She didn’t know why, but she had this feeling in her gut. She couldn’t decipher it, but it felt like something was wrong. _Very_ wrong.

She blinked her eyes open, adjusting to the moonlight, as she reached to grab the phone that was lying on her nightstand.

She took a long, hard look at the name that popped up on her screen with each buzz.

 _Clarke_.

Lexa held the phone so hard that her knuckles whitened, unable to move an inch. She felt her eyes dry before she realized she wasn’t even able to blink. _No_ , she was too _scared_ to blink. Scared that this was all just a dream. Scared that if she blinked; she would wake up. So she only stared at the phone until Clarke’s name disappeared and reappeared as a ‘missed call from Clarke’ on her screen.

 _What the hell_?

She jumped slightly when the phone started buzzing again and managed to drag herself out of the daze she had found herself in. She swiped right and brought the phone up to her ear.

“Lexa?”

Lexa gasped slightly at the sound of her name. How it just rolled of her tongue. So familiar. So _panicked_.

“Lexa, it’s Anya”

 

* * *

 

 

_Lexa poured shot after shot for them, and they downed every single one. Clarke didn’t know how many they had taken; the alcohol had made remembering a bit hard after the eight shot, but Lexa’s philosophy was that if you could still stand you weren’t drunk enough._

_“Let’s take a little break, hm?” Clarke begged when she had trouble focusing on Lexa’s green eyes._

_“Okay” Lexa laughed as she dragged Clarke down on her lap._

_“We can just sit here and talk for a while” she smiled as Clarke put her arms around her neck._

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa replayed the conversation in her head from after Clarke had given her the details about what happened and where she was.

 

_“Clarke” Lexa whispered as she felt something press behind her eyes._

_“Don’t” Clarke sighed on the other end._

_Lexa felt the sadness return. Only this time more extreme than ever._

_“Clarke, I’m sorry” she whispered into the phone._

_The line went silent for a long time. So long that Lexa almost thought Clarke had hung up, and she was ready to put the phone down as she heard a long held breath release from the other girl’s mouth._

_“It’s not enough, Lexa” she cried._

_It broke her heart to hear Clarke so vulnerable, so devastated, because of her._

_“I know, Clarke”_

_The line went silent again._

_“Look, I only called because she’s your sister and she needs someone to take care of her tonight” Clarke whispered as she hung up the phone._

_Lexa was left alone with the darkness once again._

 

“Mmm”

Lexa looked up at the sound coming from Anya. She grabbed her hand and kissed the back of it.

“God, you scared me there for a bit” she smiled as she brought Anya’s hand up to her cheek.

Anya chuckled.

“You’ve seen me drunk before, little sis” she grinned and tried to sit up.

But what happened was that she fell right back down on her bed cramming a hand over her abdomen.

“ _Fuck_ ” she uttered as she clenched her eyes shut.

“Yeah, I’ve seen you drunk plenty of times. I have also seen things that is never going to be able to be unseen when you have been drunk, but I have never- _never_ \- seen you so drunk that you pick a bar fight with a man three times the size of you. And I have never seen you this beaten and bruised before” Lexa said through gritted teeth, trying to hold back the tears that were coming. She wasn’t able to though, and the tears started to find their way down her cheeks.

Anya looked up at her and worry fell over her face. She brought up her free hand to wipe the tears away.

“ _I’m sorry_ ” she whispered. Lexa could see it in her eyes. She never meant for this to happen. She never meant for Lexa to see her like this, to hurt Lexa like this.

“It’s okay” Lexa cried.

“Just never do it again. Never scare me like that again” she continued.

Anya smiled and drew Lexa down in a warm hug. Lexa could feel her stiffen and flinch, but she just drew Lexa closer.

“How did I end up here by the way?” she asked as she looked over Lexa’s shoulder and rested her eyes on the painting of the pink skull with blue eyes in Lexa’s bedroom.

Lexa just sighed and found her way back to the chair she had been seated in for hours now.

“Clarke called me” she smiled, but it was a forced smile.

“Gee, had I known that this would get you to talk to each other again I would have done it a long time ago” Anya chuckled.

She soon lost the grin on her face though when she saw Lexa’s sad eyes and the new tears that pressed behind her eyes.

 

* * *

 

 

_Suddenly she felt her warm breath against the crook of her neck before a damp kiss was placed there. Lexa moaned again and she felt Clarke smile against her skin. Her tongue darted out and started to trace circles up to Lexa’s ear, and Clarke bit down on her earlobe._

_“Fuck” Lexa whispered and that earned a little chuckle from the other girl._

 

* * *

 

 

She thought it might be different this time. She thought that they would be able to look each other in the eyes. She thought Clarke wouldn’t loose her breath and run away when she saw her, but she was wrong. _Completely_ wrong.

Clarke was nowhere to be seen. Only an empty stall that hadn’t been mucked. She turned to Agustus.

“Hey, have you seen Clarke today?” she asked as he was on his way over with a wheelbarrow.

He just sighed and brought the wheelbarrow into Abaccus’s stall.

“She’s not coming in today, asked me to do her chores”

Lexa tried to hide her disappointment and Agustus shot her a sympathetic smile. If only he knew that she was the reason that Clarke didn’t come in today. If only he knew what she had done to her, but he didn’t. He was as oblivious to what was in their past as the rest of the people there.

But she remembered. Every second of it was etched into her mind, and she knew why Clarke wasn’t there that day. That day was supposed to be their seven-year anniversary as friends. It was supposed to be the day that Lexa would bring Clarke her favourite cinnamon rolls, and they were supposed to sit in the bed all day long watching cheesy movies on the TV.

But it had been years since they did that.

“Hey, Lex. You okay?”

Lexa turned around to find Anya, still holding a hand to her ribs. It had been a week now, but bruised ribs take a long time to heal. Lexa had told her she could keep taking both their horses, but Anya lived for the stable. All she ever did was spend time there and occasionally go to a bar and hit on people.

“Jesus, what the hell happened to you?” Agustus asked when his eyes found her.

“Oh, you should have seen the big guy” Anya chuckled as she leaned up against Abaccus’s stall and started a conversation with Augustus.

Lexa went on with her day in the stable, all the time wondering what Clarke was doing.

 

She didn’t sleep that night. She didn’t eat either. She only thought about Clarke.

**  
**

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello again.   
> Long time, no see...  
> Sorry  
> This one's for you Munro
> 
> Clarke's POV

She’s crying. She doesn’t really know why. Well, that’s bullshit, but she doesn’t know why she still cries after all these years. She doesn’t know how Lexa still has such a hold over her. She doesn’t know how she still makes her cry when she thinks of her.

Clarke hugs the pillow more tightly. It gave her a weird sense of comfort when she felt the fabric of the cover against her stomach and thighs where she was curled up in bed.

She heard the front door open and snuggled closer into her pillow. If there was one thing she didn’t want today; it was talking to somebody _about_ today.

“Clarke? You home?” Octavia shouted down the hall of their two-bedroom apartment.

Clarke thought that if she just stayed in bed and didn’t make a sound that Octavia would think she was out. But then again, Octavia knew which day it was.

“Clarke, are you okay?” Octavia shouted, only to be met with more silence.

Clarke thought that she was in the clear when she didn’t hear Octavia anymore, so she let out the quiet sobs that had strained her throat and eyes.

She really thought that she would be able to look past it this year, maybe even _move_ past it, but it still hurt so goddamn much. She didn’t know what to do or what she could tell herself to let go of this pain.

Clarke stopped every thought and sob when she felt the bed dip slightly behind her. And when she felt a strong arm come over her middle she let herself fall into the feeling of comfort.

Octavia didn’t say anything, not for a long while at least, and Clarke’s quiet sobs stopped little by little.

“ _I have a bottle of red wine in my room_ ” she whispered as she pressed her cheek into Clarke’s shoulder.

“Do you have anything stronger?” Clarke asked, turning slightly in Octavia’s arms.

She must have seen how red and puffy Clarke’s eyes were from all the crying.

“Yeah” she sighed as she stood up and went to get it.

 

* * *

 

 

So there they sat at 2 am, drinking vodka and talking. Not about Lexa, Clarke couldn’t do that. Not now at least. No, they talked about how Octavia wanted to learn how to ride.

“C’mon, it can’t be that hard” she chuckled as she took another swig out of the bottle.

“Well, if you do it wrong you can die. It’s not nothing to ride a four-year-old stubborn horse that isn’t environmentally trained” Clarke laughed as she grabbed Octavia’s arm to get the bottle back.

“It’s good to see you like this again”

They both turned to the doorway of Clark’s bedroom. Another girl was standing there, tired from getting home from work. She leaned her shoulder to the doorway and smiled tiredly.

“It’s good to hear you laugh again” Raven smiled as she shrugged her shoulders.

Clarke tried to smile at her, but alas the smile turned into quivering lips.

“I’m so sorry, Clarke. I didn’t mean to bring you down” Raven uttered as she limped over to the bed. She sat down on the side and grabbed Clarke’s hand.

“But it is really good to hear you laugh. It hasn’t come out in a very long time” Raven said and gave Clarke a half smile.

Clarke looked down on the bottle of vodka and tried not to ruin the good mood.

“ _Yeah_ ” she sighed and took another swig of the bottle. She looked up at Raven’s face and smirked.

“Long day at work?” she asked smugly.

“Oh, don’t you start” Raven laughed and took the bottle from Clarke’s hand.

“Oh, _mister Rory_ , your hands are so rough and the way you build your engineering stuff gets me so hot” Octavia sighed, acting it out as Raven.

“Shut up” was the only response they got and all three of them burst into laughter.

“You know I only have eyes for you two dumbasses, because I don’t have time to go out and have a proper life” she grinned at them before drinking more.

 

* * *

 

 

_“Stop the car” Lexa screamed at her. “Stop the car right now or I swear I’ll jump out while it’s still moving”._

_“No” Clarke barked back at her. “You can’t just come here, tell me this and expect me to be fine with it. Because I’m not, you know”._

_“I don’t care; I want out” Lexa cried._

_“It’s not that easy, Lexa. You can’t just get out whenever you feel like it” Clarke turned to her while trying to hold back tears._

_“Tell me everything” she screamed, not taking those blue eyes off Lexa’s._

_“Watch out” Lexa shrieked._

* * *

 

_“Watch out”_

Clarke woke with the two words still ringing in her head. Lexa’s voice shrieking was so unbearably painful in her head.

Two years had passed, and still Clarke woke up with the same pain each morning. The same banging in her head.

Or was it the same?

She turned around in her bed and tried to open her eyes, but it was too light. It was too painful.

No, definitely not the same.

“Go back to sleep” a horse voice moaned into one of the pillows.

Clarke closed her eyes again, but all she could do was replay those two words over and over again. That was the moment everything went to shit.

That was the moment that changed everything.

 

* * *

 

 

She got there late hoping that Lexa would already be gone.

Clarke looked around as she stepped out of the car. No Lexa anywhere in sight and Meadow was out in her paddock drinking her water. Maybe, just maybe, she had managed to avoid meeting her.

Clarke walked into the stable and sat down on one of the stairs. She was still feeling quite unwell from the night before, and she had to take recharging breaks little by little.

“You look great, truly” she heard a smug voice behind her say.

She turned around to find Anya in the staircase. Beautiful Anya with long brown hair, almost as brown and curly as Lexa’s.

No, she wouldn’t let herself think of her when she was this ill. It would only make it worse.

“You too”

Clarke tried to smile, but her lips didn’t want to move.

“I’m never drinking with O and Raven again; I can tell you that right now” she said as she huffed out a laugh.

Anya laughed with her and clutched her chest.

“Still hurting?” Clarke frowned.

Anya merely nodded and proceeded to sit down on the chair beside her.

There was a long silence that fell between them. It was almost uncomfortable.

“You know, she cried herself to sleep yesterday” Anya sighed.

Clarke looked away, trying not to show Anya that she cried herself through the day.

“ _Yeah_ ” she sighed, her voice merely a whisper in the twilight.

There it was again. The silence.

It fell over them as a thick smoke wanting to hold them by their throats. It was so unbearably thick and unwelcoming that Clarke had to listening to the rumbling of the water lines to not go insane.

She cleared her throat and looked out the window by the chairs. A familiar figure was walking towards the stable and Clarke could feel her heart stop for a bit. She could feel it drop down ten feet and smash into the ground below.

So she hadn’t avoided her anyway.

The figure came to a halt when she noticed Clarke sitting there.

Clarke looked behind her, tried to look everywhere except at Lexa. Anya had disappeared from the other chair now, and Clarke almost wished her to come interrupt this. She knew that Lexa would try to talk to her, but every time she saw her she was reminded of him.

She saw him everywhere Lexa was. His brown locks, not long but not short either. His dark brown eyes, and his smug little face. She couldn’t escape his ghost.

“ _Clarke_ ”

She heard the broken voice in front of her and she just wanted to run. She wanted to get out of there and never come back.

“ _Clarke, how long will this go on_?” Lexa pleaded, whispering as Clarke slammed her eyes shut.

“ _How long will you hate me for_?”

Clarke broke down into tears. She didn’t hate Lexa. She could never hate Lexa. There was a long time she thought she hated her with every inch of her being, but then she realised that it was just to have someone to blame. Because she didn’t want to believe that it was her fault. But alas; it was. It was her fault that Finn died.

“ _I don’t_ ” Clarke managed to choke out between her tears.

“ _What_?”

“ _I don’t hate you_ ” she cried.

It felt as if her world kept crumbling apart and no matter how much she tried to glue it together the glue wouldn’t hold.

“ _Then why_?” Lexa whispered.

Clarke looked into those green eyes. Those eyes that had given her so much comfort in the past, but had so much pain in them now.

“ _Because every time I look at you; I remember him_ ” she gasped for air as she stuttered it out.

“ _And then I remember what I did, because just looking at you brings it out. And I can’t stand it_ ”


	4. The Beginning, The End and Everything in Between

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We'll see if u all hate me after this...  
> sorry...  
> Not really that good at this putting words into a sentence thing.  
> Not this story thing either.
> 
> Maybe the next will be better...

_Lexa watched as the girl on the swing pressed the buttons on her telephone. She usually didn’t stare at people like this, but there was something about this girl. There was something endearing about her._

_The way she smiled as her telephone vibrated._

_The way she bit her bottom lip as she started pressing the buttons._

_Even the way she was sat with her knees touching each other while the balls of her heels pressed into the ground below her. Bent over her telephone._

_From where Lexa sat on the bench she could see the girl perfectly. She could see how her head started to rise. Oh fuck, she suddenly stared right at Lexa. They locked eyes, and Lexa looked away. As she stared at the ground she could hear footsteps approaching her. At first Lexa thought the girl would scream something at her for staring at a stranger, but when the girl sat down next to her and said nothing Lexa turned to face her._

_She sat with her legs in cross and her arms laid out on the table behind their backs. And her lips were grinning._

_“Hi, I’m Clarke” she said, and Lexa suddenly lost the ability to speak._

_She looked away from the girl and cursed at herself in her mind. Clarke laughed and shook her head._

_“Okay, so you’re just gonna stare at me for half an hour and then ignore me?” Clarke chuckled._

_Shit. Clarke had watched her as she had watched Clarke._

_“Or maybe you just got so stunned by my good looks that you are incapable of speech at the moment” she pressed on._

_Lexa turned to face her again._

_“I’m Lexa” she smiled._

* * *

 

 

_They talked often after that. 15 years old, and they were smitten with each other. Lexa loved the way Clarke brightened up her day. Always. Every time she had a bad day she would call Clarke and she would find a way to make it better. Be it with a bad joke or just talking about nothing and everything._

_It broke Lexa’s heart when she moved four hours away when they turned 19 years old, but they still talked on the phone nearly every day. Clarke talked about how her co-workers had to be from outer space because their opinions was so far gone that nothing else made sense, and Lexa talked about how O had found herself a boyfriend and Raven had found herself a girlfriend. They talked about life and how much they missed each other, so when Clarke told her she was coming home for a few weeks; Lexa squealed in excitement._

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke picked up the vibrating phone and saw she had a text from Lexa.

_Lexa: Hey, wanna come to a party with me at O’s tonight?_

Clarke smiled and started typing back.

_Clarke: Sure thing, pick me up at eight?_

It had been such a long time since they had seen each other that it would be fun to hang out when she was home. She turned her focus back on the pasta she was cooking and wondered if Lexa had missed her as much as she had missed Lexa. But then again maybe it was all in her head. Maybe she had made up this whole thing in her head. Or maybe, just maybe, Lexa liked her.

Not liked her like she liked hanging out with her, but _liked_ her. Clare smiled at the thought and jumped slightly when her phone vibrated again.

_Lexa: I won’t be picking you up_

Clarke frowned as she started to type an answer, but a new text arrived before she could write a full sentence.

_Lexa: I will swipe you right off your feet_

Clarke laughed at the remark and went back to her pasta.

Maybe Lexa liked her like she liked Lexa. Maybe.

 

Lexa picked her up at exactly eight o’clock, and as Clarke opened the door she whistled at her.

“Damn, you look good” she smiled as Clarke threw her arms around her.

“Hi” Clarke whispered as she snuggled into the crook of Lexa’s neck.

“Hi” Lexa whispered back as she squeezed her arms around Clarke’s middle. She spun them around and rested her hands on Clarke’s waist when she stopped.

Clarke looked at Lexa. She was wearing a snapback facing backwards and her septum ring glimpsed in the twilight. Her brown locks fell down over her black superman T-shirt, and her legs were covered by black jeans.

Clarke started to worry that she had overdressed with her white button-up blouse and black skirt when Lexa frowned her brows looking her up and down.

“What?” Clarke asked nervously, and Lexa grinned.

“Nothing. I just haven’t seen you in a while. You just look stunning” she smiled as she drew Clarke in for another hug.

Clarke looked behind Lexa and saw the old van that Lexa had gotten for her 18th birthday.

“You brought the ‘rape van’. How romantic” she murmured as Lexa pulled her even closer.

“Well, we gotta sleep somewhere” she chuckled.

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa poured shot after shot for them, and they downed every single one. Clarke didn’t know how many they had taken; the alcohol had made remembering a bit hard after the eight shot, but Lexa’s philosophy was that if you could still stand you weren’t drunk enough.

“Let’s take a little break, hm?” Clarke begged when she had trouble focusing on Lexa’s green eyes.

“Okay” Lexa laughed as she dragged Clarke down on her lap.

“We can just sit here and talk for a while” she smiled as Clarke put her arms around her neck.

“Hey, make some room”

Lexa looked over at Finn and Bellamy who were heading towards them. Clarke shrugged and stood up. Lexa tried to hide her disappointment as Clarke left her lap, but she was soon filled with a warm, rising feeling as Clarke swung one of her legs over Lexa’s lap and straddled her.

Bellamy and Finn sat down beside them and Bellamy nudged Finn’s shoulder to get him to look at the girls.

“Have you two ever kissed before?” Finn smiled and Lexa laughed nervously.

“No” Clarke chuckled as she shook her head at the question.

“Where did that come from” she asked as she looked at Finn.

“I dunno, you’re so close and you looked so comfortable, so I just guessed”

“I dare you” he suddenly said.

“What?” Clarke smiled.

“To kiss Lexa” Finn said, gesturing towards Lexa as she felt her cheeks flush red.

”I dare you” he smirked, and Clarke looked down at Lexa. Her eyes filled with determination. Her lips grinning as she inched closer to Lexa, and Lexa sat there. Stiff and unable to move. Unable to do anything really. The only thing she could do was to just sit there and wait. She couldn’t think. She felt as if everything stopped. Time and the party around them stood still as their lips met.

At first it was gentle. Careful. Clarke parted her lips and Lexa followed her lead as Clarke pushed her tongue over Lexa’s bottom lip. The kiss was sweet. At first. Then Clarke grabbed Lexa’s neck with one hand and tangled her other hand in her brown locks. Lexa put her arms around Clarke’s back and pulled her closer, closing the gap between them, and that’s when Clarke started pushing their tongues together. She started exploring Lexa’s mouth to the fullest, and Lexa couldn’t stop the little moan that escaped her mouth. And as Lexa broke the kiss for a second to tilt her head the other way; Clarke scratched the back of her neck. Lexa let out a quiet gasp before Clarke leaned in again. She could feel the grin on her lips as Lexa dug her nails into Clarke’s back. _Fuck_ , why had they never kissed before? Lexa wondered about it for a minute until Clarke broke the kiss. She opened her eyes to try and decipher why, but all she saw was Clarke’s blonde hair where her lips were moments before. Suddenly she felt her warm breath against the crook of her neck before a damp kiss was placed there. Lexa moaned again and she felt Clarke smile against her skin. Her tongue darted out and started to trace circles up to Lexa’s ear, and Clarke bit down on her earlobe.

“ _Fuck_ ” Lexa whispered and that earned a little chuckle from the other girl.

Clarke leaned back when they heard people whistle and shout “ _yeah_ ” around them.

“Okay, show’s over” Clarke laughed and the people that had gathered around them looked disappointed as they dispersed.

Even with all the alcohol in Lexa’s system; she still knew it was bad that she felt a growing itch between her legs.

Clarke’s eyes found hers and she smiled at Lexa. She leaned in and pressed a kiss to Lexa’s forehead before settling down on the couch beside her.

“I-“ Lexa started, but she didn’t know how to finish her sentence. She didn’t even know what she wanted to say.

“I’m gonna go to the bathroom” she said before standing up and start walking.

She almost made it to the bathroom door before she felt hands on her hips that pushed her into the room.

“What th-“

Lexa stopped mid-sentence when she turned around and saw Clarke standing there. Her eyes darker than usual and her teeth biting into her lower lip.

They stood like this for a while, watching each other and listening to each other’s breaths, before Clarke turned around and locked the door.

She started walking towards Lexa and pushed her into the wall when she was close enough. She grabbed her arms and guided them over their heads and pinned them to the wall as she tangled them together. She looked Lexa in her eyes before inching closer to her face. Their mouths were so close they practically breathed the same air.

“ _Fuck_ ” Clarke whispered and the warm breath that hit Lexa’s mouth made her release a sound from deep in her throat.

Lexa leaned in and got rid of the space between them. She waited for Clarke to part her lips, and when she did Lexa bit down on her lower lip. Clarke gasped a little at the sensation and Lexa let go and pushed their lips together again. The kiss was heated. It felt as if there were years of tension in it, and there was. Lexa had been crushing on Clarke for five years, always too much of a coward to tell her.

Lexa freed her hands and pulled at the hem of Clarke’s blouse. She pulled back from the kiss to look at Clarke as she nodded, and Lexa started to unbutton the blouse as Clarke leaned in for another kiss. Lexa tried to unbutton all the buttons, she really did, but at one point the alcohol took over and she just ripped it open.

“ _Oh my god_ ” Clarke whispered and Lexa started to kiss down her neck as she realized the other girl was only wearing a bra under the button-up. She traced the outline of the bra with her finger and Clarke shuddered as she dug her nails into Lexa’s back.

Lexa opened the bra and slid it off with the blouse. She looked down at Clarke’s breasts and then up into Clarke’s eyes to make sure she didn’t regret.

“ _We can stop if you want_ ” she whispered, barely audible, but Clarke shook her head and guided Lexa’s head to her right breast.

Lexa let a warm breath caress the nipple and Clarke arched her back.

“ _Please_ ” Clarke pleaded and Lexa pushed her up against the bathroom sink.

She put the nipple in her mouth and darted the tongue around it a couple of times. When Clarke grabbed her hair and pulled slightly; Lexa started to suck on the nipple.

“Fuck” Clarke moaned as she arched her back against the sink.

“HEY”

Someone shouted from outside the door, but the girls were far too busy to pay this person any attention.

“NO FUCKING IN MY BATHROOM” the voice yelled through the door.

Lexa leaned back and laughed while looking into Clarke’s eyes. She pecked her lips before picking up the discarded clothes and handing them to Clarke.

“Here you go” she smiled as she turned around.

“What, you just sucked my breast, and now you can’t look at me?” Clarke joked.

“No matter what I’ve done; I’m still a gentleman” Lexa laughed while Clarke put her clothes back on.

“All done” Clarke said as she pressed a kiss to the crook of Lexa’s neck.

“You’re drunk” Lexa chuckled, and Clarke hummed against her skin.

“That I am”

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa woke up not knowing if she was still drunk, or if the van had grown wings and was flying. The only thing she was certain off was that she was warm. She was comfortable. She opened her eyes and saw blonde hair in front of her.

_Clarke_.

She smiled and snuggled closer to the warm body, suddenly noticing why she woke up. Her thigh was between Clarke’s and the other girl was _moving_ against her.

“ _Clarke_ ” Lexa whispered, her voice deeper than usual.

She could feel it throbbing between her own legs and Clarke grabbed at the pillow while panting slightly against it.

Lexa dug her nails into Clarke’s stomach and pressed a kiss to her shoulder.

“ _Clarke, are you even awake?_ ” Lexa whispered into her ear.

“Oh shit, sorry” Clarke exclaimed as she stopped her movements.

Lexa felt the wetness from Clarke’s underwear and she moaned into her ear.

“ _I didn’t mean for you to stop_ ” Lexa whispered as she rocked her thigh against Clarke’s underwear again.

“ _Fuck_ ” Clarke breathed as she started moving against Lexa’s thigh once more.

Lexa moved her hand to cup one of the other girl’s breast under the bra. She pinched the nipple and started rolling her thumb over it. Clarke arched her back and Lexa started moving her thigh with Clarke’s motions. She could feel the wetness from Clarke much clearer and she felt herself getting wet only from that.

“ _Lexa_ ” Clarke pleaded as Lexa stopped her movements.

She turned Clarke around on her back and straddled her waist, roaming her body with her hands. Lexa leaned down to kiss Clarke, deeply, and Clarke pressed her hands into Lexa’s hips. She was trying to guide her to where she wanted her and thrusted impatiently against her. It earned her a chuckle from Lexa.

“ _Please_ ” she breathed, but stopped when Lexa moved her mouth down her throat. Kissing her way down to the cleavage of the button-up.

“Off” she smiled coyly as she sat up and tugged at the blouse.

Clarke was happy to obey her order, and before she could lay back down Lexa put her arms behind Clarke’s neck and drew her in for another kiss.

 

* * *

 

 

“The weather out is great today”

It had been a week since the ‘incident’ as Clarke liked to call it. When Lexa had disappeared after… well, the thing, and Clarke hadn’t seen her since. Not until now, a week later outside her apartment.

“Yeah, it is” Lexa agreed, fidgeting with her fingers. “Raven, Finn and O will be out soon I think”.

Clarke just nodded and looked out the window of her car.

Lexa on the other hand couldn’t stop fidgeting with her fingers, and she felt frustration build up inside her. Partly because what happened had put a strain on their friendship, partly because she wanted them to get past the awkwardness and figure it out, and partly because she had a great big secret. A secret she couldn’t tell anyone. Not Clarke. Not Raven or O. No one. But it was also something she couldn’t keep to herself. It was bubbling inside her; making a grand cocktail of frustration and fright.

Clarke sighed, “maybe we should tal-“

“I’m dying” Lexa uttered.

Not uttered, no, more like threw it in Clarke’s face. Lexa watched Clarke, and Clarke could do nothing more than gape at Lexa’s statement. After what felt forever she closed her mouth and opened it again.

“ _Wha-_ ”

“Hey guys, ready to party?”

It was Octavia’s voice that disturbed the moment they shared when she sat down in the backseat, clinking together two bottles of rum and staring at them with expectation. After Octavia looked back and forth between the two in front for a while; she retreated while Finn and Raven scooted into the back as well.

“Hey guy-“

Raven stopped in her sentence when Octavia shot her a warning glare.

 

* * *

 

 

“Stop the car” Lexa screamed at her. “Stop the car right now or I swear I’ll jump out while it’s still moving”.

Lexa clutched her hands on her knees as the car sped through the streets.

“No” Clarke barked back at her. “You can’t just come here, tell me this and expect me to be fine with it. Because I’m not, you know”.

“I don’t care; I want out” Lexa cried.

“It’s not that easy, Lexa. You can’t just get out whenever you feel like it” Clarke turned to her while trying to hold back tears.

“Tell me everything” she screamed, not looking away from Lexa.

Clarke watched Lexa’s frightened eyes loose all direction and they weren’t scared anymore. They were terrified.

“Watch out” Lexa shrieked.

When Clarke returned her eyes to the road all she could see were lights. Then everything went dark. It went so dark, and so it all was over before it even began.

Everything was over.


End file.
